


Thoughts That Continue To Dance On My Brain And Dump On My Heart

by Sweet_Cinnamon17



Category: Original Work
Genre: Anorexia, Breakups, Depression, Eating Disorders, F/M, Love, Mental Health Issues, Multi, Poetry, Recovery, Suicide Attempt, relationships
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-21
Updated: 2020-07-21
Packaged: 2021-03-04 20:47:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 30
Words: 5,323
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25422634
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sweet_Cinnamon17/pseuds/Sweet_Cinnamon17
Summary: I hate that I'm still hopingI loved you more than I loved myselfI lost myself trying to love youI lost you trying to find meYour name doesn't make me smileI'm tired of cryingI just wish I could lose these feelings as fast as I lost you
Kudos: 1





	1. Chapter 1

Hello and welcome! 

Just a small introduction before you start reading. I just want to say that a lot of my poetry is kinda sad, angry meloncholy type of poems. I usually wrote as a way of expressing my true feelings when I'm going through something.Very occasionally I get hit by inspiration, usually late at night when I'm looking out my window. Anyway! I haven't studied poetry yet, so this is probably really bad and there's a good chance that I'll be cringing over all this once I've studied it.

This book was meant to be two seperate books, one about my mental health and trauma, and one about love. I was really close with going with two books, but I lost most of my poems from my Instagram days which is really sad.

I got the name for this book from a series I read a while ago called The Spinster Club Series (If you haven't read it I encourage you to big time) and there's a part where one of the characters is crying over a boy and she says "I can't help it, it's like he's dancing on my brain while dumping on my heart." I thought that was a good name for a book so here we are ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

I went through so much trouble to un-publish this book to edit and stuff when I realised I forgot to add three poems and I had to run up two flights of stairs to pull out the drawer under my bed and open a basket inside it, shoving my contraband thrillers to the side and grab my secret box and pull out my poem envelope and find the missing three poems. That was a whole pain in my ass o(≧口≦)o But I've finally completed it which I'm so happy about!

So please enjoy reading this and please give me your feedback! o(〃＾▽＾〃)o


	2. Poetry Or A Suicide Note

I need a friend  
I need someone who can listen  
Who can help  
I know I'm not alone  
But I can't talk to anyone  
Nobody to understands  
How I feel  
I take my problems out on my blade  
Every time there's a new cut  
A new reminder of what happened  
Of what I did  
Of how I feel  
My dreams are telling me things  
They're telling me I'm not alone  
That I need to find others  
I can't live here anymore  
Each time the will for me to leave is stronger  
I'm fighting with myself  
I DON'T BELONG HERE!


	3. Never Give Up

Hot tears fall from my eyes

Hearing words I haven't heard in so long 

Clutching a pillow tightly to my chest

Stifling the cries of emptiness and hurt

My chest won't stop aching

The words playing in my mind on repeat

'You shouldn't have come back.'

'Next time don't bother.'

'What's the point? You don't do anything.'

Each word is a stone being thrown at me

Hitting me hard

Leaving wounds and scars

But they're never shown

I clutch my pillow tighter as I see the shining moon

'Just keep going' I think to myself

'The pain will soon go'

MY arms go limp as I fall asleep

My last thought: 

'don't give up. It'll all be over soon.'

Slipping into a peaceful void

I prepare myself for my next battle

I will never give up

No matter what you do


	4. You Lit My Way, Now You're Gone

The dark days became more frequent

It got harder for me to see

My face became emotionless

I ignored the throbbing of pain

But I kept marching through

Blindly tripping over struggles

I picked myself off the ground

Running towards the blinding light

Getting closer and closer

Emotions covered my face 

Pushing myself to get to you

The light was getting brighter

My smile was getting wider

You opened your arms to catch me

As I leaped over my last struggle

Safe in your arms

I cried with relief 

No matter how dark it was

You always lit my way 

You greeted me with open arms

As I felt my problems slip away

Now you're gone 

I have no idea what to say

I feel like I'm wasting away

I thought you were the light

Helping guide my way

When you left it was so dark

I thought you took the light away

I couldn't move 

I could hardly breath

It's taken me so long

To drag myself out of bed in the mornings

Now I know I'm my own light

And nobody's going to let me fade away


	5. The Monster Returns

It feels like the monster is back

Worming it's way into my mind

Leaving holes for doubts and self-hate

All the bad feelings start crawling back

Silently suffering

Not even bothering

I don't feel like eating

Nobody's noticing

Every move I make is draining

My energy is next to nothing

My skin's always bruising

Nobody's fault but mine

The monster inside has returned

Bit by bit it's starting to show

I don't know if I can lie anymore

I can't bring myself to speak

Anxiety is making me shake

Feeling sick to my stomach

Dizzy enough to puke

Ignoring the pains of hunger

I tell myself it's fine

I have it under control

Another lie to convince myself I'm well

I keep on feeling like a burden

Maybe it would be better if I was dead?

I feel like I'm wasting away

The monster's consuming me

Hopefully the pain will go away.


	6. My Lies Transformed Me

I'm so sick of lying all the time

Straight to their faces 

In the blink of an eye

I wish I could tell you the truth

About me, myself and I

But you only hear what you want

I don't want to live a lie

But you make it so hard

Twisting my words

Making me sound bad

I feel like a fraud

Loosing myself in my lies

I feel like I'm suffocating

There's no room to breath

Who am I?

Your daughter died long ago

In her place

There's the same face

You killed your own daughter

But she was replaced with another

There's strength in her eyes

As she lifts the weight on her shoulders

Doing what your daughter never could

I'm making it out alive


	7. My Mind At Night

Laying in bed

Looking up at the ceiling 

Thoughts washing over me

I know I won't be sleeping

I feel numb and emotion less

My mind won't stop racing 

Until it slowly stops

Surrendering myself to the darkness

I finally sleep 

But when I wake up in the morning

I can't move

Depression holds me a hostage

As my thoughts start up again

Until finally I find the strength 

To sit up and get out of bed

Plastering on a smile

I just about get through my day

pretending everything is going okay


	8. So, This Is Depression

Feeling nothing

Yet feeling everything

Pretending

Turns to crying

Emotions all bottled up inside

I have no words to describe

Lying in bed alone at night

Trying not to cry

Waking up at noon

But I lie in bed thinking

My appetite becomes non-existant

Simple chores become difficult to handle

Leaving the house seems impossible

All I want to do is hide

My voice is screaming inside

But no words come out

Silently walking through life

I realize I'm just a ghost here

Watching and observing

Not saying a word

Until I finally become visible 

I fake my smile and pretend it's not real

Placing a band-aid on my wound

The problems I face

The pain that aches

It's all in my head

Because this pain so great can't be real

But it is


	9. Expressing My Pain

Words I can't handle

Finding the right ones seems impossible

I'm an artist without colour

Feeling no inspiration

I try and word my pain

Silently screaming for help

I lie when they ask me

Trapped in my mind

Through pain I suffer

My voice is hidden within the words

But when I asked about them I say:

'I'm fine.'

Lying is second nature

It's automatic

I don't mean it

I just feel like an inconvenience

Pushing you away

Instead of feeling like a burden 

I'm sorry for coming to you

With my problems

Silently suffering

My pain becomes words

My words become art

Pain is with my colour

And with it I paint


	10. The Last Love Letter I'll Ever Send You

My love you have no idea just how much I adore you

Because of this I have to do whats best for us

You deserve more 

than the little I can give you

I love you

But I need to let go

Right now you don't have a future with me

Right now is just too hard

It's killing me that I'm hurting you

But if I'm going to love you

I want everybody to know

There's no point waiting for me

I love you too much

Now I have to let you go

Maybe we could try again in the future

If we're both alone

I'm sorry that I'm doing this

You're so perfect in every way

I hope you meet someone

you can be with every day

I hope we can still be friends 

Helping each other along the way

Baby I love you

I just wish I could be with you 

for the rest of our days

It kills me to say this

My love, good bye


	11. The Honest Truth

I seek attention

But I hate being the focus 

I'm terrified of rejection

Yet I love the impossible

Silent from sadness

Crumbling from the madness

Shutting down into myself

I go mute

I have no words

Just thoughts flying

I treated him like trash

Saying that I love him

Paying attention to whoever shows me attention

I never learn my lesson

Pretending to be someone else

Not a daughter

Not a sister

Acting a part

Pretending to be happy

When truly my heart is full of misery

The calm and the chaos are mixing 

Attempting to fill my acing soul 

Now it's time to be better

To try and fix myself 

No more band-aids

Or distractions

Am I going to learn from this lesson

Or will I be the same

Tossing and turning 

It's up to me

I just ask for one thing

I pray I don't mess it up again


	12. Just One Of Those Days

It's just one of those days 

where you wake up at noon

you have the week off work

but you have so much to do.

It's just one of those days

where your list keeps on growing

but you feel like doing nothing

lying on your bed thinking

staring up at the ceiling.

It's just one of those days

where you have no energy for anything

feeling lonely all cooped up inside

but you have no energy to socialise .

Never mind

You'll just wrap yourself up and watch movies all night.

It's just one of those days

that seem too long

wasting away 

waiting for tomorrow to come.


	13. Stars

Late nights

Dark skies

Leaning out of my window at midnight

Gazing up at the stars as they shine bright

Wishes and dreams seem to come come true

When it's just me the Stars and the Moon

Feeling the cool night air 

I decide

Things feel better as I gaze up at the sky

Stars are so beautiful in their own way

Shining all through the night

and during the day

The beauty they hold is so divine

They shine brightly all the time

It's taken me an age to write this poem

Since the Stars have my full attention


	14. The Concept Of Beauty

Waking up early to blue skies.

Washing yesterday away

I dry myself and change.

Brushing the tangles from my hair

I look steadily into the mirror 

Seeing my dark, spots and scars

Every imperfection society doesn't tolerate

Looking in the mirror I lay my foundation on

Concealing all that I think is wrong 

Leaving me with a blank canvas to paint on

With a steady hand I apply powders

And creams

With one final sweep of a brush

I look back into the mirror and stare

I look like a porcelain doll

So perfect in every way

No dark eyes or spots

Just a strange face

Picking up a wipe 

I wipe all my hard work away

I may not be perfect

But at least I'm unique

The concept of beauty is fake

But I am not

Without it I am complete


	15. The Sun The Moon And The Stars

Through clear nights or cloudy

Stars shining brightly or lying hidden

The Moon lights up the sky

It lights up my soul

It gives me hope 

The Sun

The Moon

And Stars 

The Sun lights my way

The Moon gives me hope 

And the Stars find my lost soul

Nothing is impossible

Nothing can stop 

The Sun

The Moon 

And the Stars 

from seeing each other

Nothing can stop you from being great

The Sun 

The moon 

and Stars

are all here 

to help light your way.


	16. I Don't Blame You

I don't blame you for what you did.

In fact I admire you for it.

In a time where we were both rushed off our feet

where we were both promised love 

you wanted to be careful

you wanted to love me

not use me.

I am eternally grateful to you 

because of that.

We where both really fragile

and instead of slamming that door shut

we kept it open a crack.

That crack was more than enough

That crack opened wider

and wider

until

the door opened again

with a new

with a better promise of love.

You were right

maybe we did need a break

maybe we didn't love each other before.

The only regret I have

is that we didn't have enough time

together.


	17. My Secret You'll Never Know

Do you remember

when you asked me to be your girlfriend?

I do

except now I always feel sad 

when I remember.

Do you remember 

when we stayed up all night?

we didn't want to sleep

so we played a game 

You asked me

"what's one thing you haven't told me?"

So many things sprung to mind

like how I couldn't talk to you when I saw you

because you would always take my breath away

or how I got a bracelet that said:

'you make my heart smile'

but I got it after we broke up

I could've told you how much I adore you 

instead 

I said

"I can't say." 

Now I'm saying 

I've loved you from that very first day

I loved you 

but I didn't know.

Now I regret that I've let you go.

I hope one day you'll find 

this little book of confessions

I've left behind.


	18. Forgive Me For What I Did

How much did it hurt 

when you turned on your phone?

How much did it hurt 

when you saw the notification?

How much did it hurt

when you saw my name?

How much did it hurt 

when you opened the message?

How much did it hurt 

when you finished reading our last conversation?

How much pain did I cause 

when you saw my name?

did I make you smile?

Or did you know?

After a week of agony

after a week of silence. 

I'm sorry 

for the pain I caused.

I'm sorry

for all the worry.

I'm sorry 

for not putting my foot down.

I'm sorry 

for the way I entered your life

and I'm sorry 

for the way I left you behind.

I'm sorry 

that I hurt you

and I'm sorry 

that I didn't stay.

I'm sorry for all this and more

but I'm not going to apologise for the things I'm not sorry for.

Now I ask you how long did it take?

before you forgot my name?

How long did it take 

for you to forget the pain?

How long did it take 

before you found a woman?

Strong and brave

but every bit as broken

caring and attentive 

staring at you with love and admiration 

beautiful and kind 

she will never leave your side.

It's nearing on three months now

but you still occupy my mind.

I don't hate you for how you hurt me

and I hope you feel the same way.

It's like something you once told me

'you can't hate someone you love.'

Now this poem is becoming too long

I hope you forgive me and all the pain I caused

I hope you live your life full without remorse.

Now it's finally time to end this poem

all with one last confession: 

I did love you

That part was true

But I couldn't see a future with me and you

I'm sorry that I wasted your time

now you and your number are ingrained in my mind.

I repeat myself here because it's true

I really did

love you.


	19. Our Last Conversation Together

I still remember

the day that broke me.

I remember the date.

I remember the time.

I remember the clothes I was wearing

I remember the emotions I felt

several minutes before you said it.

With three hours of sleep

I was high on caffeine 

for the first time in weeks

I chatted excitedly.

Maybe it was nerves

the anxiety for my first exam.

Suddenly my high came crashing down

something wasn't right.

It felt like someone walked over my grave

or my heart was grabbed by cold hands

"I don't want to talk about it."

"It'll just make you upset."

I said I could handle it

"We're in this together."

I think I knew.

Deep down in my heart

At the back of my mind

"I think we should break up."

I felt my heart shatter

as tears rolled down my eyes

"We just need a break for a while."

The lump in my throat was so big

I could hardly type a reply.

I said the first thing that came to my mind

'Do you like someone else?'

I think his answer was a lie

I said okay

wished him goodnight

turned my phone off 

then sat down to cry.

This pain was too heavy

I needed someone by my side.

I forced myself to sleep.

I just had to calm down.

I don't know how I did it

pushing you away from my mind.

Your words were all I could think about

They kept popping up during my exam.

I thought you were my one.

I thought you were my only.

It wan't until a week later

did the pain start to go away.

I had new people by my side

His name was James.

He made me laugh 

when I wanted to cry.

That's when I realized

that break up

was a blessing in disguise.


	20. You Made Me Feel Crazy

Why would you say I'm crazy

When all you would do is ask or talk about me?

Why did you always ask to talk to me

if you didn't like me like that?

Why did you always make me feel stupid

When it was you who started it?

Why did you never answer

When you were asked about it?

Why couldn't you be honest with me?

Why couldn't you just say it?

You really didn't see how good you had it

till you lost it.

Till you lost me.

From the second I blocked you

when you finally said it

but it was too late

and you already hurt me.

maybe because of me

you finally went cold turkey

on the drugs you abused

and the drinking you turned to

to help yourself feel better

when they were actually poisoning you.

Maybe I liked you better afterwards 

till I realised I'm still the only one you texted

when you were stoned to hell.

I guess we'll always remain friends

but to me

you were my almost

and I'm happy you're not anything more.


	21. The Devastating Rise To Faliure

It feels as though we have risen as a species only to fall

All the wrong people are in charge

And all the wrong people are making the wrong decision

We are on the brink of extinction

But the ones who have the power to change things are ignoring everything

Why do we work so hard when it all feels like it's for nothing

We talk of making a change

But I don't see any

Instead all our attention is on the latest trend

The latest scandal

I'm living in fear of the human race becoming extinct before I'm 50

I'm living in fear of not wanting to bring children into this world 

In case they don't see their 30's 

I'm scared because for all the big talk of people yelling

No one is listening

Instead we are wasting time and energy 

On useless and meaningless things 

Such as all the wars and all the fighting

Giving money to big brands to create more technology

Technology we don't even need!

We have lived on this earth for nearly 2020 years

But we are not willing to pull out all the stops

To live for 2020 more

Instead all the funding is going towards wars

And corporate pockets

Instead we'd rather look at a screen 

Than to other people

Humanity has risen to a point where robots can do everything

But in exchange the health of the planet is suffering

We have risen so high

The fall would be devastating

Do we try and save our home now?

Or wait till the earth is on fire

Will we decide to wait till the Earth heats up enough

before we start putting out the fires

Till then I suppose we'll continue to waste time

We don't know how much longer we have left

But hey

I hear there's this couple that might just get back together


	22. I'm Still Searching

It's been over four months now

I know I should be over you

But instead I searching the crowd for your face

I keep searching for you 

Even though I know 

You won't recognise me from the photos you saw

I keep thinking about what you would've said

If I called you

Or let you text me back

I keep wanting to call you

But I know you've moved on

I know I should do the same 

But damn it's been hurting for so long

She told me she thought she saw you today

My heart continued to crumble

I'm still silently screaming your name

Wishing things could be different

But fate has already decided

Reality is cruel and horrible

But at the end of the day 

We're really thankful

We saved each other from a world of pain

Maybe it still hurts now

But in my heart I'm thankful

I just wish it would stop hurting

Just for a while 

To find solid ground

To find a safe balance

To find myself without you


	23. Feeling Numb

Things are starting to feel a little bit empty everyday

The days start to feel long

Then short again

Life seems uninteresting

It feels like an anti-climax

Like the comedown from drugs

Or sobering up after a long day of drinking

But I'm not high

Nor drunk on life

It's a never ending comedown

With no climax to begin with

Just the same old dreariness

Constantly feeling exhausted

Feelings forever numb

It doesn't help being grounded

Over something so stupid

I want to love it

Instead I hate it


	24. Guilt

I know how good I have it

But that doesn't stop me worrying

It doesn't stop that feeling of guilt in my stomach

When I hear things are getting tight

I feel like I don't deserve anything

I feel horrible if I eat

Feeling guilty if I don't

Feeling fear and dread 

When I hear them whispering at night

I feel like a spoilt rich kid

I feel unbelievable amounts of guilt

I had everything handed to me

But I know the hard work that went into it all

I remember the dark times

And the times I never really understood

I remember the hardships 

And the pain

I'm reminded constantly when I see my Dads face

I have a roof over my head

And I control heat with a dial

I feel so thankful

Yet guilty as hell

I feel like I don't deserve any of this

When I see people going through hell


	25. How You Made Me Feel

We were together nearly two months

Then you ended it

Was I just a summer fling to you?

Were you really just that desperate?

Did you even like me?

Or did you just want to use me?

You know sometimes

It felt like you didn't even care for me

You just wanted to have sex with me

I can't believe I was so stupid

To give you what you wanted

I feed your desire 

Under the illusion of love

You made me feel like crap

When things went wrong

When I didn't feel good

When I wanted to die

You gave me a less than half assed attempt of comfort

Before asking me to send you stuff

All the while making me believe I was in love

You turned me into a slut

And I still got nothing in return 

I lost myself to you

It's taken me months 

To find myself again

All those tears I wasted on you

All those sleepless nights

You didn't deserve them

I hope you can still live with yourself

After what you did to me

After what you put me through

Making me feel like crap

When our conversations 

Came to a halt

God I hate your guts

And if I had half the chance

I'd dump your sorry ass


	26. Love Hurts

I want to be able to tell people I love them

I want to show it

I have so much love to give

I don't want to be afraid to show it

Even through everything I got put through

I just want to say I Love You

I have so much love inside of me

Sometimes it hurts

I need someone to share it with

This type of love is shared with a partner

I haven't found you yet

But I'm still looking

When I do I'll know

Because the love inside of me

Won't hurt anymore


	27. To All The Men In My Life

This is for you

This is for all the men that have been in my life from day one

My father:

My father, has supported me and has been behind me all my life

If I think I would fall I remember I have his arms ready to catch me

My father has constantly sacrificed so much just so I didn't have to

We've had a rocky relationship, but it doesn't matter now.

Moving on to my uncles,

My fathers brothers

Looking after me as if I was their own

Helping me see things from a different direction,

a different perspective 

They always had my back 

If I was too scared to go to my parents,or if someone hurt me

They'd be there when my father couldn't.

To one man I considered my friend

You made me open my eyes to what was going on in the world

You were not always the greatest of influences,

But you were always there if I needed someone to lean on.

You annoyed me so much, 

especially with your opinions

But you then got better 

and I like to think it was because of me.

To my boyfriend

Even though we never met,

Even though it was impossible

Even though you deserved better

I really liked you.

All the late nights we spent texting

All the jokes that we shared

I'm sorry for leading you on I'm sorry for attempting the impossible

Even when I knew it would lead to pain

I hope you've found it in your heart to forgive me again.

And finally to my husband who I've not yet met

Who I don't know if you're out there But I really hope you are

Because through all the crap that I've been put through 

Through all my lonely times I know that you're out there

And I hope you are someone who'll be able to tame my wild storms

Who, when I breakdown, will help me fix myself again

I hope that you are everything that I've dreamed of and I hope that we meet each other soon.


	28. Dear Jay...

We never fought

We never got angry

The clocks moved forward

And I was in agony 

I tried to be cool

I never objected

It wasn't enough

Neither was I 

I'm so angry

You have no clue

You honestly have no idea what I would do

If I ever met you

All this pent up anger

Taking it out on the wrong people

I'm still seething

I'm still angry

Our anniversary haunted me

But I bet you don't remember

You were too busy

You've got her

If you ever see me you better run the other way

I took everything you threw at me

I'm angry and hungry for blood

I want to scream at you

I want you to feel pain

You know what? 

I bet you're still the same

If you are, you don't deserve her

You don't deserve anyone

Until you change

I know I'm still obsessing

I should move on

But this is my closure

If she knew how you treated me 

I bet she'll dump you ass

Like I wish I did

No use feeling self pitiful now Sweetie

Just be glad I'm not there to bust your balls for her

What you don't know is that I'm outta my mind crazy

Rule one: 

Know when your girlfriend is a psychopath

Because trust me

They'll never find the body


	29. Some Short Poems

2015

Hurt

The way they look at me hurts

The way they stare

How they turn around when I'm there

I try to brush it off

I try not to care

But when they block me out

All the hurt is there

The Monster Inside

People find my life easy

People see a pretty stare But people don't see what's really there

Inside me if dark and un-pure

Waiting to get out is the monster that's stored there

I've learnt to control it

I've learnt to tie it down

But when something goes wrong

The monster inside is just begging to be let out

2019

The nightmares don't stop when I wake up

I feel so tired all the time

My body feels weak

My mind needs sleep

I sleepwalk through my day

Sometimes getting the chance

To rest my mind and soul

Till panic and fear wake me

Covered in sweat

Slightly shaking

I push it all to the back of my mind

As I focus on breathing

My heart beat is racing

But I can't stop my panic

One thing I've learnt:

My nightmares don't stop when I wake up

24.09.19

How Rain Makes Me Feel

The way it slides down

Entrances me

The sound as it hits the ground

Calms me

The smell so fresh and clean

People are hurrying by

Eager to get home 

to get dry

The wind whistles 

And howls

Lightning flashes

Thunder rolls

Yet I'm sitting here 

Calm and serene as can be

The rain washes everything away

Feeling calm and mellow

I sit with the rain

Pouring it's feelings away

01.10.19

I Still Love You

Is it bad that I still pretend I'm with you

When I'm the who said it wouldn't work


	30. Last Note

Hello again and thank you for reading my book! It honestly means so much to me. I hope you enjoyed it and if you did I have some poet recommendations that inspired a lot of my poems.

Firstly Robert M. Drake was a huge part of my love poems and you should definitely read 'Empty bottles full of stories' which is a colab with another poet R. H. Sin.

There's also Sabrina Benaim who's poem 'Explaining my depression to my mother, a conversation.' Started me up on writing poetry, She's had such an affect on my life and I love her poems so much.

And lastly Blythe Baird's poems which are so full of anger, but are so beautiful as well.

It's been about a year since I started writing and posting my poems and I'm so proud of them and I hope they made you feel the same way I did.

Thank you thank you thank you for reading! (✿◕‿◕✿)

Xx


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